I quit OKCupid. It had to happen. Sorry. But don’t worry, there will still be plenty of cannonfodder, mostly fueled by my friends and other dating sites (FaceMate, here I come!).
There’s still hope…
HOLIDAY BOYFRIEND UPDATE:
I did. I emailed the holiday boyfriend guy from craigslist. I did not think he would write back, and it was really just a joke (it was a joke, right?). Anyway, he wrote back. I KNOW! Shocking. In it, he included two things:
-This pictures
-A request for “I would like a couple more pictures of you. Do you have anything less close-up, so I can get a look at your style?”
So basically, a psycho with a chainsaw wants more photos of me to make sure I am not too chubbs for his chubby. UGH.
I did send some pretty fantastic shots and never heard back. Conclusion? Real men don’t use Craiglist.
Jesus is the reason for the season? Email all his followers? Christian AND singles?
This is not to make fun of that guy. He is probably pretty cool. But where did OKC get the idea that I am super religious and will date anyone Jesus tells me too?
PS - this was under the Subject “12 matches of Christmas” so you can bet there are 11 more coming, just as God-fearing.
Let’s just be honest. Some girl broke your heart and now you want an excuse to criticize a nice girl with musical ambition just so you can feel better about yourself.
Just Found My Future Boyfriend (Complete with Expiration Date!)
This Craigslist post is making the rounds in the SF singles scene, but here you go anyway:
Let me be clear. I want a girlfriend. But, I don’t really want a girlfriend.
I just want one for the holidays.
Let’s recognize something. The holidays suck, especially for us single people. All of your coupled friends are going to be doing couple things: snuggling by the fire, going to dinner at each others’ parents houses, blahblahbarf.
Let’s recognize another thing. Deep down inside, you don’t want to be alone for the holidays. You want someone to do all of those cute snuggly things with, someone to get fat and keep warm next to (let’s also recognize that it’s getting fucking cold here), and someone to accompany you to your friends’ coupley holiday parties so they don’t keep thinking you’re a loser destined for permanent solo status.
But, you’ve spent all year working on your career / training for charity bike rides / getting drunk and haven’t had the time or inclination to track down and capture a boyfriend. And even if you did, you’re not really sure you’d want to keep him after the holidays are over, anyway.
The solution:
Be my girlfriend for the holidays. And only for the holidays.
How it works:
You reply with a picture and a brief bio (250 words max. To give you an idea, this posting is 499). If it seems like a good fit we’ll set up a casual mini-date (coffee, beer, or whatever). If that’s a success and we’re both feeling it, we’ll date until 11:59PM, January 2nd, 2012. After that we can still be friends (unless we hate each other, then we can downshift to the occasional drunken booty call).
The benefits:
• You have someone to keep you company on these witch-tit-cold San Francisco nights. Did I mention I’m an excellent cuddler? (I have references.)
• I like to cook. Especially for others. Nothing too fancy, but always tasty and satisfying. As long as you’re an omnivore, you win.
• Having done it professionally for some years to pay for school, I know my way around a bar. Same goes for wine cellars and beer coolers. Homemade winter warmers? Done.
• Hate holiday music? Me too. Seeing as every other establishment or event you step into will be playing it, I’ll spare you the excess.
• Love taking photos? Sweet. Let’s wear gaudy holiday attire and make ridiculous Xmas postcards to send your friends and family. Just for the lulz.
• Worried about finding someone to kiss on New Year’s Eve who doesn’t look (or sound) like Sloth’s cousin? Boom! Got you covered.
About Me:
28 years old, small business owner, active (cyclist, surfer, snowboarder), outgoing, easy on the eyes.
Not About You (aka Dealbreakers or, Don’t Bother if You Exhibit the Following):
Heavy drug use, laziness, prudishness, still in love with old boy or girlfriend from years past (or if you secretly are, at least have the damn decency to not blab on about it).
Interested? Then send your pic and bio and get this ball rolling.
From The Little Mermaid
Message I just got from a guy who has hair as long and luxurious as his namesake, Ariel:
oh man that was funny. i’m sorry i didn’t even finish reading this… i will but, when you said no hate, i just really love christmas. that got me. nice.
darn. now i feel all responsible to write a full email here. but what i want to do is just do that later. but if i do, thats two emails. not good on first email. but if i only write that first thing, you will know that i think you’re hilarious, but you won’t know that i am hilarious. but then, how capable can i be of being hilarious right off the box here….hmm. all is lost. forget it. just forget it okay.
kidding, tho i will read your stuff h ere. i read enough to know you live just crazy large and are rockin it. i’ll get that down soon.
bless
Ariel
Awkwardness is all it’s forms is fantastic - but textual proof is pretty fantastic.
